Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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