She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
