I am puke
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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