very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
