"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
