I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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