Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
