there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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