I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
