ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
