Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
