He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
