By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
