So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
