6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
