Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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