did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
