i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
