Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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