She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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