Your tits are I can't wait for
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
