She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
