My first STD was from a foam party
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
