Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
