My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
