Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
