There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
