Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
