New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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