And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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