Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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