it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize