He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You are the jesus of drinking
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
