Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
