Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
