My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
