Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
