This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize