turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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