Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
