Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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