Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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