I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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