R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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