I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
