there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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