Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
