Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
