when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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