first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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