Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
