just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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