i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
