Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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