The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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