3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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