the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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