When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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