I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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