somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
