Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
