You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
