I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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