You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
