I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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